Pronouns, customer service and unwelcome reminders...

Mark and I both find ourselves crazy busy again already.

I really intend...intended...to write long and detailed trip reports of our journey...but I find that hard to do right now. Not enough time to tackle the whole trip at once.

So...in an effort to not let it all fall by the wayside, I will post thoughts as they strike me.

One of the issues I was most curious/concerned about before the trip was how I would be perceived by a range of people from other states and countries. I needn't have worried. For the most part people were supremely polite and respectful. I was gawked at a few times, but I learned to play chicken and if I started back long enough it put an end to the intrusion.

I had only two instances of discomfort...both in the dining room on the ship...both at lunch...and both with different waiters (both from Latin countries).


Situation 1:

I ordered lunch...and the waiter said "thank you sir".

I was wearing a tight t-shirt...full makeup...dangling earrings...hair up...

I used a line I've always wanted to use.

"What, are my boobs not big enough?"

That's all he needed. He was sufficiently sorry...apologized...and corrected himself.

It was empowering. And I immediately felt my anxiety diffuse and disappear.


Situation 2:

Same dining room. Same meal time a few days later. Different waiter.

After ordering our server referred, for some reason I can't remember, to my mother and myself. When he pointed at my mom he said "she" and when he indicated me he said "he".

I pointed to myself and said "she"

He said "no"

I said "yes"

He said "whatever"

I said "No, not 'whatever'. This is my life."

He walked away with a look of confusion.

It's possible we had a misunderstanding based on the language barrier...but I don't think so.

Again, I didn't hang on to the event. I think I learned that saying what's on my mind is sometimes OK. Imagine.


I related the story of these interactions to a friend yesterday. She chastised me for my reactions. She commented that I may not realize that some people don't see me as a woman.

I'm not sure exactly what she intended to say (and I don't think she meant to hurt my feelings). I don't agree with her insinuation that I should simply accept incorrect pronouns because I may not match an individual's template for femininity.

I believe that a person in a customer service position has a responsibility to use their eyes and judgment. If a person is not sure of my gender, it's best to use NO pronouns or titles. They should certainly recognize cues. And, in those cases where a person simply doesn't handle it correctly, I feel it's my duty to myself and other trans people to let them know. The WAY I let them know is my business and my privilege, and if I feel later I went too far, that's for me deal with.

I am the first person to feel insecurity about my gender presentation. It's depressing for a friend to suggest I should remain dubious about it. Much of my transition up to this point has relied on feedback from people around me. At this point in my life, that's much less important. The reaction I get from most people is that I look natural in my current presentation. The conversation yesterday felt like an old school slap to be reminded of my genetic heritage.

Ah well...

I press on...and I know in my core who and what I am. If nothing else, the experience of existing in so many different parts of the world as my current self has helped me feel settled in a way I didn't expect.

While not dangerously blazing and out of control, I walked through some milder form of fire...and I'm stronger on the other side.